I FUCKING HATE KINGSTON!!!!!
more like, i hate the sears guy for not giving me a difinative answer for weather he is going to hire me or not. i hate the portugese guy for suddenly not talking to me at all and not giving me an explanation. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH U ASS HOLE?!?!?! all of a sudden not talking to ppl and not even giving an explanation is completely horrible. meaning i have done it to ppl. but not ppl i was making plans to meet up with or go out on a date, or ppl i have been talking to every day for like 2 weeks. i dont care what the reason is. just tell me so i can stop trying to figure it out!!! am i going to have to go into where u work like a creepy stalker and beat an explanation out of u or what?!
(please note that i just made a completely sad and pathetic email and decided not to send it. good for me.)
i hate not having a job. i feel like this job at sears is even a waste of my talent that all my teachers led me to believe i have. watch and jewellery repairs just doesnt seem fullfulling. but theres the gallery place down town that i would enjoy working for but she still doesnt know what the fuck she is doing. i hate not doing anything.
i hate that i am trying to be on my own and falling flat on my face. no job. no money. always having to get my parents or sister who also dont have much to spare to pay my rent and buy my groceries. i havent paid my cell bill or visa in months. i am just digging myself into a hole i cant get out of and dragging others down with me. i moved to kingston to help out a friend. but i didnt think it would be this hard for me.
i feel like my existence is worthless. i am a person with no purpouse. i feel like i have made a wrong turn on my path and i dont think it will ever feel like a right turn.
ok time to delve into my psyche...
what is going on. i dont know. i dont feel sane. why? i have lost sense of what my life is for. i refuse to believe i am here just to teach tolerance and acceptance to some old fucking idiots. i dont know what i am going to do with any of my life. i havent ever known. is that good or bad. there are many ppl that say they didnt know what they were going to do as a career and they are now fine, whenever now happens to apply. this summer i am going to plant trees. for the wole summer. i dont care where i have to go i dont care what is going on i am doing it. i feel like i am supposed to. i feel like it is going to be a very refreshing experience. apparently it is like camping all the time. which i want. i dont care about the rain or the dirt or the lack of contact. its what i want, i think. i dont know what i want. well i do know what i want. i want many material things obviously but what i want most in life is a boyfriend. and yet i am still uncomfortable saying such words... boyfiend... gay... how can i display such an open personality and still be so uncomfortable with myself. is it because of my parents? does the fact that i havent openly told them, or any other of my family, hold me back from being completely open with myself? or is it just because i have grown up hearing the word 'gay' used so derrogetoraly. i dont want to say it cuz it feels like i am insulting myself. i still hear it used derrogetoraly. i say it doesnt bother me but it does. especialy when ppl say it that know i am. cuz its like they are insulting me. but not me. they are insulting my emotion. they are insulting my existence. my personality. so i guess it does feel like they are insulting me. there is one girl in my class, sarah thorel. throttle to those in the studio. she will occasionally say it then appologize. in that case it doesnt bother me cuz she is trying to correct it. but those that say it without a secont thought bothers me. the word 'homosexual' sounds too clinical and reminds me of awkward moments with my mother. and queer applies to too many factions of sexuality. none of this changes the fact that i want a boyfriend... no... a man. boys are too stupid. there is one boy i cannot get out of my head. anyway, i just want someone to be with. obviously there is the sexual component. ie. i want sex. i havent really had very much experience. this sometimes scares me. i dont want to just go out and have sex with random ppl. cuz i dont want to get anything std-wise. i also dont want to get a bad reputation. like the saying 'its better to let everyone think ur stupid and be quiet than open ur mouth and let them all know'. if i dont have sex with a lot of ppl they will all either think i am good or bad in bed, respectively. but sex is not all i want. i want someone to hold. someone to go places with. or just stay home. stay in bed all day watching cartoons. someone to love. who doesnt want that. if i wasnt such a chicken i might actually have someone right now. but he probably thinks the same thing. we were both to scared to say anything. and when we do its a random 'hi' in the hall. im sick of the random hi s i want consistent hi s and encounters and hugs and kisses and outings and sex. but then i think to myself, 'im just moving in like a year so whats the point of getting into a serious relationship?' then there is the boy... alex. i have complained and whined about him before. he is essentially the most either confusing or confused guy i have ever met. he is hilarious, hot, has money and has the rest of his life planned out for him. but he is also selfish, stupid, illogical, and unappreciative of his station in life. he has made so many jokes to everyone about being gay but denies he is. but there are things that make me think he is any either doesnt realize it or doesnt want to admit it to anyone. and i know how he can think that cuz i thought it to. the uncertanty of the reaction. is he afraid to admit it or is he just making jokes. this may sound like wishfull thinking but its not. everyone that knows him thinks this. everyone is uncertain of his sexuality. but why should i obsess over him? i cant tell him anything now cuz we live together and it would make everything wierd for us as friends and for everyone else in the house. plus i will most likely never see him again after leaving this college. and if i say anything to him at the end just before i never see him again he may feel the same way after all and it would have all been a waste. just to get this out of my head so it stoppes some of the bouncing.
resons i think alex is gay:
-he fooled around with a lot of girls last year but admitted he remarkably was not able to have sex with them, and they were ugly girls.
-he has never had a strong emotional attatchement to any girl as far as i know.
-i will admit i snooped in his room last year a bit and found a box of decorative glass penises.
-he has like 20 pairs of shoes... seriously
-he said something to kim and sarah ridly about being gay
-out of all his porn magazines he remembered one that had an add about peircings that had a picture of a dick with a bunch of piercings.
-last year he didnt even notice when patty was walking around practically naked while he was in that particular rez suite.
-it just seems like hes acting interested whenever boobs are mentioned. like hes not even listening to the conversarion until someone says boobs and thats his audio trigger to say something to the affect of 'i love boobs.'
reasons i think alex is straight.
-he fooled around with a bunch of girls last year.
-he litteraly has stacks of porn of the straight and lesbian variety, either way women are involved. which kind of seem like cover-up or over compensation
-he has said that he is many many times?
i dunno. i need to get back to my self analytical self.
i do not like the modern world. i want to be on a quest. i have said this before but i dont mean some lame ass life is a journy. i want supernatural powers and fight evil or encourage it. i have wanted this since i was young. but who doesnt want this? i love x-men, inuyasha, crouching tiger hidden dragon, multiple rpgs and now naruto. but they all make me want more and more. but why do i want this. do i hate reality that much that i just want to reject it and live in complete fantacy. thats why i hate reality. cuz fantacy is the way it should work. good defeats evil and everyone is kind and honest and peacful. instead evil corporations create retail slaves and consumer whores. of which i am both. nobody is honest. everyone lies to save themselvs or get ahead. and the world is anything but peacefull. but every time i watch these shows or play these games. it makes me feel sad that i cannot do or be what they do or where they are.
i dont care what others think of me. but i wonder about it all the time. and i am concious of other ppl all the time. yes i do care what others think of me. otherwise 'how they make my ass look' wouldnt be an option in buying pants.
i think im done now. i cant think anymore. i need to go to sleep. or meditate.
latah.
well i have finally done it, i have a livejournal.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/capitanobvious/
because i felt like it and sarah is going to make me inu yasha icons. even though i have made one already, it is the soul piper. a demon that plays with the souls of dead children. if a childs soul becomes evil the soul piper opens its eyes wide and casts the childs soul into hell. pleasant aint he?
my lj will look better later, im too bored to bother with it right now.
latah.
it occured to me that i havent posted in a while. so here we are.
the weekend sucked ass cuz i was at my bitchy sisters for my nieces birthday. it was bad cuz there were lots of children. but then after most of them left (one of the neighbours kids was there) my mom got me an ice cream cake. thats right! i got ice cream cake! it was good. and still is cuz i have the rest of it in the freezer.
other than that. i still dont have job.
i was looking through an employment newspaper and there was an add for models needed for an ADULT VIDEO PRODUCTION COMPANY!!!! so i could do porn if all else fails. hahahahahaha!!!!
i dont know what else to write other than i dont have a job and i really really want and need one.
latah.
i dont want to go to alliston...
WAH!!!!
oh well
latah.
i got new shoes today. they are the greatest. if i knew how to post pictures on here i would so everyone could see them cuz theyre awsome. and soooooooooooooooooooooooooo comfortable! and i got a bag. that canvas one from old navy, but it doesnt say old navy on it anywhere so its all good!
then teresa and i went to our aunt mary-lynn and uncle dons house for supper and to look at their vacation pics from mexico... jerks. but they were cool. and that was my day. latah.
IM 20 HOO RAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
actually not so much.
it doesnt seem like anything has changed. but why would it. just because i have officialy been in existance for 2 decades?
but i got free chinese buffet tonight so its all good!
that is all.
I HAVE A WEB CAM!
now that is all.
latah!
this is my 225th post. wow.
so i called alex today and he is most likely not doing that satellite thing for the house. damn. that could have been free tv and internet. ah well. and asked him if he could help me find a co-op. cuz i suck at finding one. and apparently his dad knows someone in newmarket possible but its not hempen which is good.
other than that went into the school today which was a total bust cuz by the time we got there everyone was gone and there was no stage band practice. boo-urns. but i did by some more things for my ear. one of them is for a librett but i figure ill use it later. cuz im definately getting more.
and i think that is all i have to say right now. latah.
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